Now What?

I have tried to write this post a thousand times since we got the news that our IVF cycle was unsuccessful but I just couldn't get past the first sentence.  I am absolutely devastated that it didn't work.  My heart is so broken.  I cry everyday.  I am sad for what we lost and I am sad for what we will never have.  I am so incredibly angry.  We spent so much money and put ourselves into debt and are at the same spot that we were last May, no baby, no chance of being pregnant, and now we are broke too.  I do not understand why we were given a second chance if it was just going to be the same results.  At times it feels like a big slap in the face.  Like I wasn't hurting enough after the three ectopic pregnancies, coming to terms with the fact that I was sterile, and then the IVF cycle failing the first time so I had to go through that pain one more time.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate feeling jealous of every family I see with a baby or pregnant lady that walks by me.  I hate feeling angry.  That isn't me.  I am not a negative, angry person.  I just don't know what to do to feel better.  I just keep praying that God will heal my heart.  I know that God has a plan for us and that this is all a part of it but I am having a hard time understanding why.  I might not ever understand or maybe one day it will all make sense.  I don't know.  I just know that I need to trust in God.    

I couldn't go back to work after I found out.  I was such a mess and knew I couldn't go and be strong for those children.  Dave and I decided that it would be best if I stayed home with Logan this last year before he starts kindergarden.  I started my classes again and am able to focus on them.  It is also going to allow us to start looking into becoming foster parents.  We are going to an informational meeting tonight to learn about fostering.  The soonest we would have children placed with us is 4-6 months from now according to the website.  We have so much to think about and talk about.  I think we are decided that we would only open our home up to children Logan's age and younger.  That way he would stay the oldest.  I also feel like I am much better with smaller children than older children so that would be a good fit for us.  We have age appropriate toys and clothes and everything so I think that would be best.  Something that we really need to consider is how it will effect Logan.  How would he handle children coming into our home for a while and being a part of our family and then leaving to go back home?  Or if we start the adoption process with one of them and it doesn't go through?  How will I handle it?  There is so much to consider and to think about as we begin this journey.  So I guess I will keep this blog going as we welcome children into our family in this way.

I wanted to finish with the things I am thankful for because even though I am so upset I know that I have some really incredible blessings.  I am so thankful for my amazing husband.  He has been so wonderful through this entire thing.  We have had so much support from our family, friends, and church.  I am thankful that we had the chance to go to Pennsylvania and be with our family.  And I am so thankful for my beautiful boy Logan.  We have been blessed with such an amazing child.  I don't know how we got so lucky but I am certainly glad we did.