SUNDAY!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!  Everything has lined up for us to start the IVF process on Sunday!  It was looking like we were not going to be able to start until May because of mother nature and my insurance not starting until April 1st but it all worked out exactly as it was needed for us to start now.  When you start the IVF process you have to have an ultra sound on day 2-3 of your monthly cycle.  It was supposed to be 10 days sooner but my body held out so day 3 is exactly when my insurance starts.  I am so thankful that I do not have to wait another month to start.  I only have to wait 2 days!!  I have had the biggest smile on my face all day.

Every Sunday Dave and I are involved with the worship team or occasionally the children's ministry at church.  Last Sunday the worship leader Michelle asked us if we wanted to take this Sunday off to just rest and relax.  At first we said no  but then we thought that it would be a good idea to take a weekend off.  And it is a good thing we did because our appointment is for Sunday at 10:45am.  Things seem to be lining up perfectly.  It's as if there is a plan already set in place.  ;-)

I will be having an ultrasound and blood work done at this appointment.  What for exactly, I'm not so sure so I will write an update again on Sunday when I find out.  I also have to start taking birth control on Sunday.  It is funny to think that I have to take birth control in order to get pregnant.  We are going to be learning a lot about this crazy process over the next few weeks.  Thanks for all of your good thoughts, comments, and especially prayers.  

             

Why we are doing this blog

When Dave and I finally decided to go forward with IVF we were thinking that we would not tell anyone.  We were not even going to tell our parents.  We had two reasons for that decision.  1.  If it did not work, we didn't want to have to explain it to everyone.  2.  We wanted the surprised of telling everyone if it did!  

After thinking about it though we realized that we don't need to go through this alone.  We have such a great group of family and friends that can be there for us, it is silly not to lean on them through such a stressful experience.  So once we decided to tell people we thought that we should do a blog.  That way everyone who wants to can keep up with us and the process.  It will make it a little easier to keep everyone up to date on what is happening.  We are going to be asking for help, support, and prayers through this whole thing!

Another reason why we wanted to do our blog is because fertility issues effect SO many people.  I know that I had no idea what to expect going in for the consultation for IVF.  I was so overwhelmed when we left that I cried the rest of the night.  I am still feeling very confused and overwhelmed about what is to come.  I am hoping that by sharing what we go through, maybe another person who is thinking about doing IVF will have a better understanding of it and not feel as overwhelmed as I did/am.

IVF or Adoption?

Like I said in my first post, we kept going back and forth between adoption and in vitro to expand our family.  At first we were set on IVF but then I started second guessing myself about that decision.  What if  I lost those three babies for a reason?  What if my body couldn't handle being pregnant again?  How would I handle it emotionally if I lost another child?  Am I being selfish to want to be pregnant and give birth when there are so many children in the world that needed a home.  These thoughts consumed me until I decided that adoption was the only way to go.  Shortly after starting to go to Mountain Vista we had lunch with the Pastor and his wife to talk about what we were going through.  He said to me that I just needed to pray about it and ask that if God's plans were different then mine that he change my heart so I desired what he had planned for me.  I prayed that prayer everyday.  When we started getting information on adoption I kept feeling this overwhelming pull towards in vitro.  So I started to rethink everything again and Dave and I felt that we needed to try one more time to have a child.  Right now, everything is on our side to do IVF so we are going to go for it.  We are not ruling out adoption in the future.  When I close my eyes and picture our family in 5 years I see us having our biological children and then opening our home up to fostering.  And if being a foster parent can lead to adoption then I am very excited for that to happen.

Our Story

Dave and I met in college at West Chester University.  We were both music majors and had aurals class together.  He was a percussion major and I was a voice major.  After an evening of hanging out and talking (and working on an aurals project) we both knew that we found something special.      

After that night we were inseparable.  We did everything together.  We marched in West Chester's marching band and Aftermath indoor percussion together, worked together, had classes together, and taught high school marching band and indoor percussion together.  Every spare second we had we were with each other.  We shared a passion for music that is still a big part of our relationship.   

in January of 2005, we went on vacation to Puerto Rico together where he proposed to me on the beach at sunset.  We were collecting pieces of coral when he reached down into the water and said "How did we miss this one?"  My first thought was "Oh cool!!!  He found a ring in the water!"  It took me a few seconds to realize that he was asking me to be his wife.  I did not hesitate to say yes.  Our wedding was on May 6, 2006 at Ridley Creek State Park.  It was an amazing day.  Everything was perfect.  We were surrounded by our friends, family, and great music.  What a great way to start our life together.

In April of 2007 we found out that I was pregnant.  As Dave would explain it he was sleeping when I kicked down the bedroom door screaming.  I scared him because he thought there was something wrong.  After he woke up enough to realize what was going on he was just as excited as I was.  We were so thrilled that our family was about to grow.  When we went for our first ultrasound, the doctor had estimated that we were 12 weeks along even though we thought at the most we were 7 weeks along. They told us that there was no heartbeat and our baby had stopped developing.  We were devastated.  I could not believe what was happening.  Before we left the doctors office they said that we could come back on the following Monday to have one more ultrasound just to be sure.  When we returned on Monday it was such a miracle.  They found the baby's heartbeat and said that I was just not as far along as they thought.  I remember thinking that I hoped I would never feel the pain again of loosing a child that I felt for that week-end.  On December 22nd, 2007 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who we named Logan Scott.  He was perfect in every way. 

 

We knew we wanted to have a big family so in 2009 we decided to try to have more children.  I found out that I was pregnant in October but a week later we went to the hospital because I began bleeding.  They told us I was having a miscarriage.  I had to follow up with my doctor a few days later where they discovered that I had an ectopic pregnancy.  An ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo implants in the lining of the fallopian tube.  They sent me to a specialist where they tried to avoid surgery by giving me a cancer treatment drug called methotrexate that was supposed to cause the pregnancy to dissolve.  It did not work for me and after three rounds of it I ended up in the hospital for emergency surgery because my tube burst and I was bleeding internally.  They were able to save my tube and told me that it was a fluke that it happened.  I was thankful that the doctors saved my life that night but so incredibly heartbroken to have lost this baby. 

In June of 2010 we moved our family from Pennsylvania to Arizona because Dave decided to make a career change and became a special education teacher.  On January 7, 2011 I started feeling the same pain that I had felt when my tube burst in October.  I took a pregnancy test that came up positive and knew that I needed to get to the hospital immediately.  After the on call doctor tried to send me home telling me that I can just start treating it with methotrexate after the weekend and Dave telling him that we were not leaving the hospital, he finally did surgery. After the surgery, the doctor said to me "You know I saved your life right?  You're thankful right?  I saved your life."  As we suspected, I had another ectopic pregnancy on my right side that had burst causing me to bleed internally.  The doctor removed my right tube because of the damage caused by the rupture.  If we would have gone home like the doctor told us to I would not be here today. 

On May 30, 2011 we were at a BBQ at our friends house when I started feeling that same pain that I had with the previous two ectopic pregnancies.  I could not believe that it could be happening again.  They removed the tube that it happened the two previous times, how could it be possible for it to happen a third time?  When I got home I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive.  Dave took me to the hospital where they were able to see the ectopic pregnancy on the ultrasound and the blood that was filling my abdomen.  They got me into surgery but before they did they had me sign a paper stating that I would be sterile after I came out.  It was such a crushing blow to be 28 years old and know that I would never be able to conceive a child of our own again.  For the third time in two years my life was saved but again, I lost my child.  This time I lost much more.  I lost my hope for the future of having my big family.  When I went for my 2 week follow up appointment the doctor told us about the option for in vitro fertilization (IVF).  He started to give me back a glimpse of hope.  Maybe we would be able to have our big family. 

After the third time I had a difficult time emotionally handling everything. I began going to a therapist to talk through things. Dave went with me to a few appointments and I went to a few on my own. She suggested that I do something to memorilize the three babies that I lost. I painted three pictures of Forget-Me-Not flowers to represent each baby.

It was so hard for me to allow myself to be happy because I felt like doing that was saying that I was ok with the fact that I lost these three angels.  It was so hard for me to cope with the fact that I would never get to hold them or see them grow up.  I was also having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone around me was pregnant.  My sister, my two sister-in-laws, and my best friend were all pregnant.  I was happy for them but it was difficult for me to know that I was supposed to be going through what they were but instead I was hurting so badly inside.  I felt so broken.  I know that I didn't, but I felt like I let my husband down.  I felt like I was less of a woman because I could not provide any more children for him.  I felt like I was starting to lose my faith.  It was during this time that we started going to Mountain Vista Community Church.  The first day that we came the worship team was playing "Lord I Need You" and I wept.  I knew I could not get through this on my own.  We found a place for us at this church and a lot of loving people to help us heal.  We became active in the worship team in hopes that we could use our talents that God gave us to reach someone else who might be feeling as hopeless as I was the day that their music helped me start to heal.   

While I was giving myself time to heal both physically and emotionally, we were researching all of our options.  At first I wanted to do IVF as soon as the doctor gave me the all clear.  But then I got very scared of the chance of it not working or of losing another baby.  We started researching adoption and were decided that adoption was the route that we should take to grow our family, but something kept bringing us back to IVF.  Right now our age and fertility circumstance work in our favor to do IVF.  The older we get the chances of it working get less and less. 

We made an appointment with a fertility specialist on February 15th, 2012 for a consultation for IVF.  I could not believe the price that they told us.  It will cost us between $11,300 - $15,800 out of pocket to go through this journey.  I am getting new health insurance on April 1st that will thankfully cover another $3,500 of diagnostic testing.  We have some money saved up and will be financing the rest.  That brings us to where we are today.  We plan to begin the process of growing our family in April. 

We have not told Logan about this.  He is only four years old and I don't want to get his hopes up but he keeps telling me out of nowhere that he wants a baby sister or brother.  Right before our consultation we were driving to the grocery store and he said to me "My baby sister is coming soon."  I asked him how he knew that and he said "I know it in my heart".  Maybe he is right.