The Start of a New Chapter

       It has been a long time since I have updated our blog.  We have had to do a lot of praying and healing before we were ready to start on this new journey.  We are now moving forward with the certification process to become foster parents.  Back in October we went to an orientation meeting and chose our agency that we wanted to work with.  We had a few issues with our paperwork getting lost so it took until after Christmas before they added us into their data base and sent us paperwork to move onto the next step.  At that point I had to take a step back and really start to understand what we were getting ourselves into.   How would fostering work for our family?  How would I handle bringing these children into our home, getting attached to them, and having to give them back to their families when their parents were able to take them back again.  How would Logan be able to handle that?  We have been talking about it with him for a while and he knows that the children coming to stay with us most likely will not stay forever but how can we really prepare him for what we are about to do?  The paper work stayed on our piano for months while we came to terms with all of this.  It is funny how after IVF failed I felt like we needed to do something right away to move forward but then once we got into it I needed to pause.  I guess I just needed to take time to make sure I was ready for it and that my motivation was to help the children that would come into our home and not just to fill a void that not having any more babies myself left.  I joined a Beth Moore bible study in May with my girlfriends and the first week was about listening to God when he is telling you to wait and listening when He tells you to go.  We discussed what things in our lives were we not listening to "go" on and turning in the paper work was the first thing that came to mind.  It was time to move forward.  So when I went home we filled it out and sent it in.    
       We were contacted shortly after to set up an intake interview.  We had to schedule it a couple weeks out because I had just started a training for a new job and had to wait until that training period was over.  We had more paperwork that needed to be filled out including a budget form.  On June 3rd we went in for our intake interview.  I was kind of a mess the entire ride into Phoenix.  It was overwhelming to be putting ourselves out there to see if we would be accepted as foster parents.  We went through the interview and the workers were very warm and loving which made it a little easier.  We had to fill out paperwork asking what type of children we would be willing to take into our home.  What gender, race, age, and different disabilities and behaviors that we would be willing to take on.  That was pretty difficult deciding what we were willing to consider and what was not a possibility for us.  I felt like by selecting "no" for anything I was taking away a child's chance to be in a foster family instead of a group home.  But we knew that we have to put Logan's safety above all else so that was what we based our responses on.  After an hour and a half of questioning we were told that our file would be presented to the board that Thursday and we would hear either that Friday or Monday if they accepted us.  I keep saying that I think I am being taught patience over these past two years more than anything.  We have been doing a great deal of waiting!  Well we got a phone call Thursday afternoon saying that we were approved by the board!  What a relief that was!  It was so nerve wracking waiting to see if they would accept us.  At that time we scheduled our home visit and second intake interview.
       For our home visit we had to fill out more paperwork to turn in when the case worker got there.  We handed it to her and then she gave us a folder as thick as a novel of more paperwork to fill out.  We discussed all of the paperwork and asked a few questions.  Even Logan has paperwork to do.  He has to draw a picture of what our family will look like with the foster children in it.  I asked him how many children he will draw in our family and he keeps telling me 10.  :-)  We would need to get a school bus if our family ever got that big!  We had to take the case worker on a tour of the house and she told us the only things we needed to change were to put locks on our medicine cabinet and the cabinet that we keep our bleach in, get rope ladders for the upstairs bedrooms, and  to organize the tools in the garage a little better.  Overall not too bad!  We scheduled our classes that we need to take so from July 10th-September 11th we will be taking a class one night a week in order to obtain our fostering license.  After that we will have our home study done by the state and we should be able to have children placed with us by the new year.  Logan feels like that is SO far away but I know it will get here quickly!  But for a child time does seem to go by slower, doesn't it?
       James 1:27 says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."  I know this journey will not be easy but I just know that this is the path that we are meant to take.  I am so excited to see what God has in store for us and how He will use our family to look after the orphans in distress.

Here is a picture of our family on a trip to Fossil Creek.  :-)

 

Now What?

I have tried to write this post a thousand times since we got the news that our IVF cycle was unsuccessful but I just couldn't get past the first sentence.  I am absolutely devastated that it didn't work.  My heart is so broken.  I cry everyday.  I am sad for what we lost and I am sad for what we will never have.  I am so incredibly angry.  We spent so much money and put ourselves into debt and are at the same spot that we were last May, no baby, no chance of being pregnant, and now we are broke too.  I do not understand why we were given a second chance if it was just going to be the same results.  At times it feels like a big slap in the face.  Like I wasn't hurting enough after the three ectopic pregnancies, coming to terms with the fact that I was sterile, and then the IVF cycle failing the first time so I had to go through that pain one more time.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate feeling jealous of every family I see with a baby or pregnant lady that walks by me.  I hate feeling angry.  That isn't me.  I am not a negative, angry person.  I just don't know what to do to feel better.  I just keep praying that God will heal my heart.  I know that God has a plan for us and that this is all a part of it but I am having a hard time understanding why.  I might not ever understand or maybe one day it will all make sense.  I don't know.  I just know that I need to trust in God.    

I couldn't go back to work after I found out.  I was such a mess and knew I couldn't go and be strong for those children.  Dave and I decided that it would be best if I stayed home with Logan this last year before he starts kindergarden.  I started my classes again and am able to focus on them.  It is also going to allow us to start looking into becoming foster parents.  We are going to an informational meeting tonight to learn about fostering.  The soonest we would have children placed with us is 4-6 months from now according to the website.  We have so much to think about and talk about.  I think we are decided that we would only open our home up to children Logan's age and younger.  That way he would stay the oldest.  I also feel like I am much better with smaller children than older children so that would be a good fit for us.  We have age appropriate toys and clothes and everything so I think that would be best.  Something that we really need to consider is how it will effect Logan.  How would he handle children coming into our home for a while and being a part of our family and then leaving to go back home?  Or if we start the adoption process with one of them and it doesn't go through?  How will I handle it?  There is so much to consider and to think about as we begin this journey.  So I guess I will keep this blog going as we welcome children into our family in this way.

I wanted to finish with the things I am thankful for because even though I am so upset I know that I have some really incredible blessings.  I am so thankful for my amazing husband.  He has been so wonderful through this entire thing.  We have had so much support from our family, friends, and church.  I am thankful that we had the chance to go to Pennsylvania and be with our family.  And I am so thankful for my beautiful boy Logan.  We have been blessed with such an amazing child.  I don't know how we got so lucky but I am certainly glad we did.  

Because I Have Something To Say

I know it has been a while since my last post.  I have had several appointments since then but after each appointment I didn't feel like it was the right time to write.  The other week at church our pastor was talking about a guest who was going to be preaching and he said that the best advice he could give was not to speak because you feel like you have to say something but to speak because you have something to say.  That really hit home for me because I was almost feeling guilty for not having posted any updates.  I realized that when I had something that I just needed to say, I would be able to write a post that meant something.

I have one more ultrasound appointment tomorrow and that is the last one before the implant!!!  I cannot believe that it is so soon.  They will thaw the embryos on Monday and then we will call on Tuesday after 11am to find out how many survived the thaw.  That will start to determine if the the implant will be on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday.  Just like the last round we are hoping for Friday because that will be a day 5 transfer.  I will have a day of bed rest and then have to take it easy for the 2  weeks before the test.  Right now everything is looking good and I am right on track with where they want me to be.

The progesterone injections start again on Saturday.  They are the nasty giant ones that go in my lower back.    I had an allergic reaction to them last round so they are having it mixed with cottonseed oil this time to try and avoid another reaction.  The down side to that is that it is thicker so the needle has to be even bigger.  I can handle it though.  If I made it through all of the other injections, a bigger needle is a piece of cake!  :-)

I have been feeling so many crazy emotions through all of this.  I have moments of excitement, terror, anxiety, hopefulness, helplessness, the list goes on and on.  I have been having a pretty hard time since starting my new job.  Just adding the stress of my job on top of things has made it kind of difficult to work through what I am feeling.  I find myself being upset about something that happened at work but then I end up getting upset about IVF even though I shouldn't be.  I have been praying to be able calm my nerves and not turn into a crazy crying mess over every little thing.  It doesn't help that I am on all kinds of medicine that mess with my emotional stability!  I find almost every sentence that I say to Dave starts with "this may be the medicine talking but...".  Dave is such a great man.  He deals with my crazy so well.  Even though it might be the medicine talking he still listens to me and helps me work through it.  I am so thankful to have him here for me.  He is also helping me figure out how to do my job and help the children in my class as best as I can.  He helps me stay positive and hopeful.  I love that he is able to do that for me.

Every blog post I know I end with saying what I am thankful for.  I have a really long list to go through today.  Something new that I am thankful for are my coworkers!  For example I called for help this afternoon and in two minutes there were four people there to help me.  It is great to have that kind of assistance in the workplace. I am very thankful for all of the support that our friends and family have poured out to us.  Everyones genuine care for what we are going through and support has helped us so much.  I am so thankful for our church.  They have been here every step of the way praying for us and with us.  I am thankful for the gift that we have been given for another chance.  You do not see that type of kindness very often.  I believe that we will be able to pay it forward.  I really feel like god blessed us with our doctor and this second chance and I hope that he will somehow use us to bless someone else.  I have no idea what that will look like but I am excited to see!  One last thing that I am thankful for is this blog.  Through it I have been able to tell my story to a great deal of people.  We are at nearly 6000 views.  When I started this I thought that maybe a handful of people would keep up with our posts.  I never dreamed that it would be read by so many and actually help and inspire some people.  I am thankful for the opportunity to do that.        

Implant Dates

It's been a crazy few weeks in the Coryell house!  We have had such a busy schedule on top of going back to work after having the summer off.  I am hoping that things will start to settle down as we get into a routine.

We had the chance to go away for a week-end 2 weeks ago with our friends to Overgaard Az.  It was beautiful, relaxing, and COOL.  We had such a great time.  I even drove a 4 wheeler!!!  Very slowly around a flat circle....but I still drove it!  Logan and I both enjoyed riding with Dave driving.

On our way to our getaway we got a phone call with the dates for our next transfer.  It will be September 12th, 13th, or 14th depending on how the thaw goes.  I had my first appointment on this past Wednesday.  Everything looks good and I started back on the Lupron that day.  So far I have been feeling ok on the Lupron.  It is still making me feel pretty awful in the morning after I take it but it goes away by the afternoon.  I will start the Estrace on august 25th and the progesterone on September 8th. They gave me a prescription for a different progesterone because I had an allergic reaction to it the last time.  Let's hope that I don't have a reaction this time around!  I have appointments once a week for the next 2 weeks and then the week before the transfer I have two appointments all for ultrasounds and blood work.  

I can't believe that the transfer is less than a month away.  I am really excited and really scared all at the same time.  When I went to my appointment on Wednesday, it hit me that this is it.  After this we won't have any embryos left to try it again.  I am just praying for this to work and if it doesn't for the strength to get through it.  I have to say we have been so blessed with such an amazing support system in our friends and family.  We are so thankful for everyones payers, kind words, and help that they have offered us.  I hope you all realize how much it means to us to have you all here for us.  Thank you!  

Emotional Update

So I thought I would write a post today just to talk about all of the crazy emotions I have been dealing with for the past few days.  I am so lucky that my mom was able to come out here on Thursday.  She was the first family member/friend (besides Dave and Logan)  that I saw since I received the news on Monday.  I love my mom so much because she just knows when I need to talk about something and when I am just not ready.  I am very thankful that she just lets me talk when I need to even though I am sure she wishes I would open up more.  I have found that it is one thing to write about how I am feeling and a completely different thing to talk about it.  I am still having a really hard time talking about everything.  It was like this before and I know in time it will be a lot easier to talk about everything freely but for now its pretty tough.  The next morning my in-laws came home from Pennsylvania so our house is pretty full right now.  :-)  On friday my great aunt Ruth and uncle Pete happened to be in Tucson for a wedding so they drove to visit us.  I was surprised by Kristal who came over and brought dinner for us.  Thanks Kristal!  It was so nice to see everyone but it wasn't very easy to keep a smile on my face when I am still hurting so badly inside.

Even though I am feeling so upset and disappointed, I am excited and extremely grateful that we get a second chance.  That is another thing that I have been struggling with.  I was starting to feel like I shouldn't feel so sad right now when we have this wonderful gift of a second chance.  But I am realizing that I need to let myself deal with what happened on our first round and just because I am so sad that the first round didn't work it doesn't mean that I am not thankful for the chance to do it again.  I realized that I am allowed to feel the way that I am.

Yesterday my mom and I spent a nice day together getting our nails done-Thanks mom- and going out to lunch.  It was SOOO nice to spend that time with her.  Then it was time to face the world for a birthday party.  Part of me wanted to stay at home and hide from everyone but I had to stop hiding.  So off to Chelsi's 80's themed birthday party.

I had fun getting ready with the girls and laughed hysterically at the boys in their workout gear.  Honestly I had a hard time at the party.  I felt like I wasn't ready to be in public and pretend everything is ok but when you have 3 grown men in booty shorts it is hard not to smile.  

Today is my last day with my mom and then tomorrow I start back to work.  I am so very thankful that I get to spend my summers at home with my family.  I just feel like a basket case right now because tonight I have to say goodbye to my mom and I don't get to spend my days with Logan anymore.  I know at some point today I am going to cry.  For now I am going to soak in every minute of today with my family.    

I need some suggestions on reducing stress.  My doctor says I need to reduce my stress this time around.  So I am a mom taking full time classes, starting a new full time job, and teaching color guard.  What can I do to help reduce stress?  I would appreciate some suggestions!    

I know this post has been pretty scatter brained but thats how I feel right now.  I have a million things running through my head at a time.  I know I'll start to sort through all of these emotions soon but this is where I'm at right now.  

 

Negative and Positive

Here we are the day after the blood test.  While writing this blog it has been very difficult to be 100% open and honest but I have been and I need to keep doing so.  Yesterday I was wishing I had never been so public about our journey because now I have to be public about the results.  The blood test was negative.  It didn't work.  I physically had two embryos placed inside of me and I still am not pregnant. I am 29 years old and unable to be pregnant.  When I got that call all I kept thinking was why am I so broken?  Why do I have such a strong desire to have another baby if I am not supposed to.  And how am I supposed to go online and tell the world all of these awful thoughts I was having when I was so hopeful that it would work.  But part of the process of IVF is the chance that it won't work.  Unfortunately for us this time it did not work.  I am not losing hope.  Keep reading and I'll tell you why.

Yesterday morning I was a nervous wreck.  I put pandora on when I woke up and the song "Lord, I need you" was on.  The same song that was playing the first day I walked into our church.  My friend Stacy went with me and we were at the doctors office a little past 9am.  I was taken back at 10am had my blood drawn and walked out the door at 10:10am.  That was it, just a prick of a needle and a "We will call you between 1pm and 2pm with the results."  I was completely freaking out.  We went to Ikea and wandered around-with my phone in my hand the entire time and then went to the Arizona Mills Mall.  When we stopped for lunch I had a minor panic attack, it was 1:30pm and still no call.  We decided to leave and I was driving on I-10 when the phone rang.  My heart stopped as I answered the phone and all I heard was "Unfortunately....negative...medicine....follow up."  I said "Ok, Thank you" and hung up the phone.  Tears were streaming down my face and Stacy just reached across and put her hand on my arm.  Sometimes there are no words that can be said but just a simple touch can speak volumes.  I am so thankful that she was with me when I heard the news.  I asked her to help me find out where Dave was -he was at his first day back at work training at a different school- and we went straight to him.  When we got there I just fell into his arms and cried.  I was so heartbroken and didn't have any words.  There were a thousand thoughts going through my head, why didn't it work, what did I do wrong, did the doctor do something wrong, how could I have been feeling so many symptoms-were they just side effects of the medication, I know that god has a plan for us but how could having this heartache and disappointment again be apart of god's plan, and the money....we spent every last penny and financed even more and for what?  Stacy drove my car home and I went home with Dave.  To top things off when we got home Penny was sick and pooped all over the house!  Stacy picked Logan up for us from Leah's house and dropped him off.  It was so hard to not be a basket case in front of Logan but I held it together.

We spent the night cuddling on the couch watching a movie and then went to bed.  Once in bed Dave and I talked about all of the things that we were thinking and feeling.  It was such a hard conversation but we couldn't let it go a month before talking like it did when  we lost our third pregnancy.  I cried half the night and was up with a pounding headache the second half of the night.  Dave took the next day off to be with me and we had to get up early to go downtown to fill out paperwork for me to start working with Dave on Monday.  When I was finished at 9:30am Dave called the doctors office to schedule our follow up appointment.  They kept trying to give him day time appointments but he is back to work now so he said unless we can come in today we will have to wait until a late afternoon appointment.  They told us that they would bring us in at 12:30 today on their lunch breaks.  Since we were in Phoenix already it did not make sense to drive all the way home to turn around and drive all the way back.  We went to ikea to wander around and grab some lunch before heading to the appointment.   Dave said to me jokingly "Maybe someone would give us a ton of money or the doctor will do the second transfer pro-bono"  We both said yeah right...keep dreaming.

Before we knew it it was time to go.  We were thinking we would go, they would say sorry it didn't work, it will be $5000 + to do another frozen embryo transfer with our remaining embryos and we would say "see you in a few years after we finish paying for this one and save up enough money to do it again"  I felt so hopeless and heartbroken walking back into that doctors office.  I knew our bank account is darn near empty...why are we even bothering with the appointment?

So here is where the positive comes in.  Yesterday our pastor's wife sent me a text message saying to read Matthew 6:26.  It says " Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"  She was reminding me that God will take care of us.  I did not know how but I found out today.  When we got into the appointment the doctor was telling us how my body did exactly what it was supposed to just the embryos did not do what they were supposed to.  She said that the next step is to do a second frozen embryo transfer with our remaining 5 embryos.  I asked her how long you have to wait to try again and she said that we would start immediately.  I told her that we can't do that, we spent all of our money and she said "I want to do it for free for you".  Dave and I immediately started crying.  What doctor does that???  What a blessing.  She said that we will have to pay for the medications but everything else would be free.  The blood work, ultrasounds, the implant, all free.  So we will be starting the frozen cycle again soon.  I will go on birth control in a few days and be on it for a few weeks.  The transfer will happen either at the end of August or the beginning of September.  We will have to figure out a way to pay for the medication this time around.  We are hoping to raise the money with our Coryell's Craft Corner to be able to afford them.  I am estimating they will cost between $500 and $1000 which is a reasonable goal to try and meet.     


I am not going to lie and say that I have no reservations about trying again.  It scares me to death.  It is terrifying to think about getting bad news again and not having any more embryos left to use.  But why would we be given this gift if we weren't supposed to try again?  While I am still so completely disappointed that it didn't work and I think it will take some time for my heart to recover from this I find myself hopeful again.  Thank you all so much for all of your support and prayers through everything.  Would you like to go on another roller coaster ride with us?  I will continue the blog through the second round and hope that you will continue to follow our journey.  We could use all of the encouragement, prayers, and kind words we can get!         

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow is the big day!  The day of the blood test.  I have to go in between 8am and 10am and then they will call me with the results sometime after 1pm.  Out of all the waiting that we have had to do I have a feeling those few hours are going to be the hardest!  I am just praying for a positive result.  Dave has to return to work in the morning.  :-(  So he will not be with me for this step.  Thankfully my friend Stacy is going to spend the day with me so I won't go completely crazy.

I finished up with the antibiotic and prednisone earlier in the week but still have to take the estrace pill and progesterone injection.  The injection has been very difficult for me and is causing me a lot of back pain.  I was supposed to sing at church this morning but I was hurting so badly I could barely stand up. I don't know if it has anything to do with it but last night when Dave was giving me the injection it started bleeding about halfway through the shot.  Maybe that's why I am in so much pain today?  I also have all of these hard lumps or knots under my skin where the injections go that are so painful.  I was not expecting to be hurting this badly but it is going to be worth it in the end!!

So I will post tomorrow as soon as we know the results.  I am asking you all to pray with us for good news tomorrow!  I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FIND OUT TOMORROW IF WE WILL BE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!!!!!  Thank you for reading our blog and following our journey up to this point.  But above all thank you for all of your love, prayers, and support that you have given us.