He speaks!

So I have yet to write a blog myself and Anne is resting after the transfer, so this is a great opportunity for my first blog post.   I want to first say thank you to all of you who have followed our story and have been so supportive.  Creating this blog has been so inspiring for us as well as some of you.  It is amazing what a little hope and support can do for people.  Now lets get to the good stuff...

Today is Friday the 13th and usually associated with bad omens and such.  I would like to challenge that idea because I know that this day will be nothing but the start of something very special for us and our family.  We got up nice and early to get to the clinic at 7:30 this morning.  The transfer happened around 9-930.  It was actually a really quick and painless process, although I was not the one in the stirrups!  Anne did so well.  As of our last post, we had 4 viable embryos, and this morning we actually had 1 in the best shape and 3 that were slowing down.  So we made the choice to implant 2 total.  Maybe the 2nd one just needs some time in the oven for a jump start, but most likely seems that we will end up with one baby with smaller odds for two and even smaller odds for three or four if they naturally split.  So it is in God's hands to provide us with what will be the best for us.  Anne was a little upset about only having one good embryo, which I understand, but even science cannot change natural selection.  A normal pregnancy has a 20% chance of happening and we ended up with 20% of our 5 embryos, which is 1. But we will have to wait and see what will happen.

Here is an ultrasound after the implantation.  There is a little white spot in the top-middle area inside the sack.  That's the babies.  Pretty cool stuff.  I was in the room with her and I got to watch the whole thing.  Again, very cool stuff.

I know Anne has been really open and honest about her thoughts and emotions through all of this.  So I figure it's my turn to give my side of this difficult journey we have been traveling through.  Having Logan was so amazing.  I look at him now and he kinda blows my mind a little.  He is a little man.  When we lost the first baby, it was really hard on Anne.  It was hard for me as well, but as a male that has no idea what it is like to have a child growing inside of me, I focused my attention on Anne.  I had to be strong for her.  I needed her to be well, not only for her but for me.  I am only as strong as the woman by my side, and she is strong, whether she knows it or admits it.  I will never really grasp what she has suffered through all of this.

The second was obviously difficult as well, but in a very different way.  Having an incompetent, arrogant doctor working with us just made it almost unbearable.  I really almost thought about physically harming this man for what he said to Anne.  For those of you who know me, that tells you how upset I was.  As Anne already posted, he first tried to send us home, and then after we refused and had the surgery, he said to her, "You know I saved your life right?"  Are you Kidding me!  Anyway, so I once again had to attempt to help Anne recover from the physical and emotional scars.

I often had a feeling of helplessness.  Anne has experienced something that I cannot truly comprehend and yet I am supposed to help her heal in some way.  She often asked me why I don't cry about it.  To be honest, I don't know how I didn't.  Maybe because I immediately went into fix-it mode and did whatever I could to help Anne get through this.  When I think back to when Logan was born, I remember it took me a while to really feel like a father and make a connection with him.  I think the bond a mother has with her child that grows inside of her is much more real and it took me time to really get that bond, if I ever really can.  So not having seen or held the lost babies didn't effect me in as intense a way that it has Anne.

So then the third loss happened.  This time we had a great experience, if thats really even possible.  The doctor was great, he listened to us, he was thoughtful, and he ultimately gave us our first bit of hope after yet another tragic loss.  The hardest thing this time was seeing Anne's face as they asked her to sign the paper that she acknowledges she will be sterile after this last surgery.  She was crushed, and so was I.  How can I fix that??  I can't...

After sometime healing we began looking into IVF and Adoption.  I was happy with either.  I know that Anne is an amazing wife, friend, person, and MOTHER.  Whether that child was my blood or not didn't matter to me, I knew that Anne would be amazing and by association I would be amazing as well.  Does that make sense?  She really makes me a better person in all aspects of my life, especially as a father.

So, here we are finishing up the IVF process and the REAL waiting begins.  We go on the 24th for the pregnancy test.  So soon yet so far!  I have to say, this process has been a little one sided for obvious reasons.  Anne has been poked, prodded, taken multiple shots and pills in a day, and all I really had to do was give 3 "samples" in a cup.  I have nothing to complain about!  And somehow in this process, with all the crap Anne is putting herself through, I have seen more joy and hope in my wife than I have in a long time.  If that doesn't tell you how amazing she (and others going through this as well) is I don't know how else to show it.

This is kinda scatter-brained but I think I said what I wanted to say.  We have met some amazing people here in AZ that have really helped and encouraged us as well as those friends and family members back east.  Thank you...

Dave