Now What?

I have tried to write this post a thousand times since we got the news that our IVF cycle was unsuccessful but I just couldn't get past the first sentence.  I am absolutely devastated that it didn't work.  My heart is so broken.  I cry everyday.  I am sad for what we lost and I am sad for what we will never have.  I am so incredibly angry.  We spent so much money and put ourselves into debt and are at the same spot that we were last May, no baby, no chance of being pregnant, and now we are broke too.  I do not understand why we were given a second chance if it was just going to be the same results.  At times it feels like a big slap in the face.  Like I wasn't hurting enough after the three ectopic pregnancies, coming to terms with the fact that I was sterile, and then the IVF cycle failing the first time so I had to go through that pain one more time.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate feeling jealous of every family I see with a baby or pregnant lady that walks by me.  I hate feeling angry.  That isn't me.  I am not a negative, angry person.  I just don't know what to do to feel better.  I just keep praying that God will heal my heart.  I know that God has a plan for us and that this is all a part of it but I am having a hard time understanding why.  I might not ever understand or maybe one day it will all make sense.  I don't know.  I just know that I need to trust in God.    

I couldn't go back to work after I found out.  I was such a mess and knew I couldn't go and be strong for those children.  Dave and I decided that it would be best if I stayed home with Logan this last year before he starts kindergarden.  I started my classes again and am able to focus on them.  It is also going to allow us to start looking into becoming foster parents.  We are going to an informational meeting tonight to learn about fostering.  The soonest we would have children placed with us is 4-6 months from now according to the website.  We have so much to think about and talk about.  I think we are decided that we would only open our home up to children Logan's age and younger.  That way he would stay the oldest.  I also feel like I am much better with smaller children than older children so that would be a good fit for us.  We have age appropriate toys and clothes and everything so I think that would be best.  Something that we really need to consider is how it will effect Logan.  How would he handle children coming into our home for a while and being a part of our family and then leaving to go back home?  Or if we start the adoption process with one of them and it doesn't go through?  How will I handle it?  There is so much to consider and to think about as we begin this journey.  So I guess I will keep this blog going as we welcome children into our family in this way.

I wanted to finish with the things I am thankful for because even though I am so upset I know that I have some really incredible blessings.  I am so thankful for my amazing husband.  He has been so wonderful through this entire thing.  We have had so much support from our family, friends, and church.  I am thankful that we had the chance to go to Pennsylvania and be with our family.  And I am so thankful for my beautiful boy Logan.  We have been blessed with such an amazing child.  I don't know how we got so lucky but I am certainly glad we did.  

Because I Have Something To Say

I know it has been a while since my last post.  I have had several appointments since then but after each appointment I didn't feel like it was the right time to write.  The other week at church our pastor was talking about a guest who was going to be preaching and he said that the best advice he could give was not to speak because you feel like you have to say something but to speak because you have something to say.  That really hit home for me because I was almost feeling guilty for not having posted any updates.  I realized that when I had something that I just needed to say, I would be able to write a post that meant something.

I have one more ultrasound appointment tomorrow and that is the last one before the implant!!!  I cannot believe that it is so soon.  They will thaw the embryos on Monday and then we will call on Tuesday after 11am to find out how many survived the thaw.  That will start to determine if the the implant will be on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday.  Just like the last round we are hoping for Friday because that will be a day 5 transfer.  I will have a day of bed rest and then have to take it easy for the 2  weeks before the test.  Right now everything is looking good and I am right on track with where they want me to be.

The progesterone injections start again on Saturday.  They are the nasty giant ones that go in my lower back.    I had an allergic reaction to them last round so they are having it mixed with cottonseed oil this time to try and avoid another reaction.  The down side to that is that it is thicker so the needle has to be even bigger.  I can handle it though.  If I made it through all of the other injections, a bigger needle is a piece of cake!  :-)

I have been feeling so many crazy emotions through all of this.  I have moments of excitement, terror, anxiety, hopefulness, helplessness, the list goes on and on.  I have been having a pretty hard time since starting my new job.  Just adding the stress of my job on top of things has made it kind of difficult to work through what I am feeling.  I find myself being upset about something that happened at work but then I end up getting upset about IVF even though I shouldn't be.  I have been praying to be able calm my nerves and not turn into a crazy crying mess over every little thing.  It doesn't help that I am on all kinds of medicine that mess with my emotional stability!  I find almost every sentence that I say to Dave starts with "this may be the medicine talking but...".  Dave is such a great man.  He deals with my crazy so well.  Even though it might be the medicine talking he still listens to me and helps me work through it.  I am so thankful to have him here for me.  He is also helping me figure out how to do my job and help the children in my class as best as I can.  He helps me stay positive and hopeful.  I love that he is able to do that for me.

Every blog post I know I end with saying what I am thankful for.  I have a really long list to go through today.  Something new that I am thankful for are my coworkers!  For example I called for help this afternoon and in two minutes there were four people there to help me.  It is great to have that kind of assistance in the workplace. I am very thankful for all of the support that our friends and family have poured out to us.  Everyones genuine care for what we are going through and support has helped us so much.  I am so thankful for our church.  They have been here every step of the way praying for us and with us.  I am thankful for the gift that we have been given for another chance.  You do not see that type of kindness very often.  I believe that we will be able to pay it forward.  I really feel like god blessed us with our doctor and this second chance and I hope that he will somehow use us to bless someone else.  I have no idea what that will look like but I am excited to see!  One last thing that I am thankful for is this blog.  Through it I have been able to tell my story to a great deal of people.  We are at nearly 6000 views.  When I started this I thought that maybe a handful of people would keep up with our posts.  I never dreamed that it would be read by so many and actually help and inspire some people.  I am thankful for the opportunity to do that.        

Implant Dates

It's been a crazy few weeks in the Coryell house!  We have had such a busy schedule on top of going back to work after having the summer off.  I am hoping that things will start to settle down as we get into a routine.

We had the chance to go away for a week-end 2 weeks ago with our friends to Overgaard Az.  It was beautiful, relaxing, and COOL.  We had such a great time.  I even drove a 4 wheeler!!!  Very slowly around a flat circle....but I still drove it!  Logan and I both enjoyed riding with Dave driving.

On our way to our getaway we got a phone call with the dates for our next transfer.  It will be September 12th, 13th, or 14th depending on how the thaw goes.  I had my first appointment on this past Wednesday.  Everything looks good and I started back on the Lupron that day.  So far I have been feeling ok on the Lupron.  It is still making me feel pretty awful in the morning after I take it but it goes away by the afternoon.  I will start the Estrace on august 25th and the progesterone on September 8th. They gave me a prescription for a different progesterone because I had an allergic reaction to it the last time.  Let's hope that I don't have a reaction this time around!  I have appointments once a week for the next 2 weeks and then the week before the transfer I have two appointments all for ultrasounds and blood work.  

I can't believe that the transfer is less than a month away.  I am really excited and really scared all at the same time.  When I went to my appointment on Wednesday, it hit me that this is it.  After this we won't have any embryos left to try it again.  I am just praying for this to work and if it doesn't for the strength to get through it.  I have to say we have been so blessed with such an amazing support system in our friends and family.  We are so thankful for everyones payers, kind words, and help that they have offered us.  I hope you all realize how much it means to us to have you all here for us.  Thank you!  

Emotional Update

So I thought I would write a post today just to talk about all of the crazy emotions I have been dealing with for the past few days.  I am so lucky that my mom was able to come out here on Thursday.  She was the first family member/friend (besides Dave and Logan)  that I saw since I received the news on Monday.  I love my mom so much because she just knows when I need to talk about something and when I am just not ready.  I am very thankful that she just lets me talk when I need to even though I am sure she wishes I would open up more.  I have found that it is one thing to write about how I am feeling and a completely different thing to talk about it.  I am still having a really hard time talking about everything.  It was like this before and I know in time it will be a lot easier to talk about everything freely but for now its pretty tough.  The next morning my in-laws came home from Pennsylvania so our house is pretty full right now.  :-)  On friday my great aunt Ruth and uncle Pete happened to be in Tucson for a wedding so they drove to visit us.  I was surprised by Kristal who came over and brought dinner for us.  Thanks Kristal!  It was so nice to see everyone but it wasn't very easy to keep a smile on my face when I am still hurting so badly inside.

Even though I am feeling so upset and disappointed, I am excited and extremely grateful that we get a second chance.  That is another thing that I have been struggling with.  I was starting to feel like I shouldn't feel so sad right now when we have this wonderful gift of a second chance.  But I am realizing that I need to let myself deal with what happened on our first round and just because I am so sad that the first round didn't work it doesn't mean that I am not thankful for the chance to do it again.  I realized that I am allowed to feel the way that I am.

Yesterday my mom and I spent a nice day together getting our nails done-Thanks mom- and going out to lunch.  It was SOOO nice to spend that time with her.  Then it was time to face the world for a birthday party.  Part of me wanted to stay at home and hide from everyone but I had to stop hiding.  So off to Chelsi's 80's themed birthday party.

I had fun getting ready with the girls and laughed hysterically at the boys in their workout gear.  Honestly I had a hard time at the party.  I felt like I wasn't ready to be in public and pretend everything is ok but when you have 3 grown men in booty shorts it is hard not to smile.  

Today is my last day with my mom and then tomorrow I start back to work.  I am so very thankful that I get to spend my summers at home with my family.  I just feel like a basket case right now because tonight I have to say goodbye to my mom and I don't get to spend my days with Logan anymore.  I know at some point today I am going to cry.  For now I am going to soak in every minute of today with my family.    

I need some suggestions on reducing stress.  My doctor says I need to reduce my stress this time around.  So I am a mom taking full time classes, starting a new full time job, and teaching color guard.  What can I do to help reduce stress?  I would appreciate some suggestions!    

I know this post has been pretty scatter brained but thats how I feel right now.  I have a million things running through my head at a time.  I know I'll start to sort through all of these emotions soon but this is where I'm at right now.  

 

Negative and Positive

Here we are the day after the blood test.  While writing this blog it has been very difficult to be 100% open and honest but I have been and I need to keep doing so.  Yesterday I was wishing I had never been so public about our journey because now I have to be public about the results.  The blood test was negative.  It didn't work.  I physically had two embryos placed inside of me and I still am not pregnant. I am 29 years old and unable to be pregnant.  When I got that call all I kept thinking was why am I so broken?  Why do I have such a strong desire to have another baby if I am not supposed to.  And how am I supposed to go online and tell the world all of these awful thoughts I was having when I was so hopeful that it would work.  But part of the process of IVF is the chance that it won't work.  Unfortunately for us this time it did not work.  I am not losing hope.  Keep reading and I'll tell you why.

Yesterday morning I was a nervous wreck.  I put pandora on when I woke up and the song "Lord, I need you" was on.  The same song that was playing the first day I walked into our church.  My friend Stacy went with me and we were at the doctors office a little past 9am.  I was taken back at 10am had my blood drawn and walked out the door at 10:10am.  That was it, just a prick of a needle and a "We will call you between 1pm and 2pm with the results."  I was completely freaking out.  We went to Ikea and wandered around-with my phone in my hand the entire time and then went to the Arizona Mills Mall.  When we stopped for lunch I had a minor panic attack, it was 1:30pm and still no call.  We decided to leave and I was driving on I-10 when the phone rang.  My heart stopped as I answered the phone and all I heard was "Unfortunately....negative...medicine....follow up."  I said "Ok, Thank you" and hung up the phone.  Tears were streaming down my face and Stacy just reached across and put her hand on my arm.  Sometimes there are no words that can be said but just a simple touch can speak volumes.  I am so thankful that she was with me when I heard the news.  I asked her to help me find out where Dave was -he was at his first day back at work training at a different school- and we went straight to him.  When we got there I just fell into his arms and cried.  I was so heartbroken and didn't have any words.  There were a thousand thoughts going through my head, why didn't it work, what did I do wrong, did the doctor do something wrong, how could I have been feeling so many symptoms-were they just side effects of the medication, I know that god has a plan for us but how could having this heartache and disappointment again be apart of god's plan, and the money....we spent every last penny and financed even more and for what?  Stacy drove my car home and I went home with Dave.  To top things off when we got home Penny was sick and pooped all over the house!  Stacy picked Logan up for us from Leah's house and dropped him off.  It was so hard to not be a basket case in front of Logan but I held it together.

We spent the night cuddling on the couch watching a movie and then went to bed.  Once in bed Dave and I talked about all of the things that we were thinking and feeling.  It was such a hard conversation but we couldn't let it go a month before talking like it did when  we lost our third pregnancy.  I cried half the night and was up with a pounding headache the second half of the night.  Dave took the next day off to be with me and we had to get up early to go downtown to fill out paperwork for me to start working with Dave on Monday.  When I was finished at 9:30am Dave called the doctors office to schedule our follow up appointment.  They kept trying to give him day time appointments but he is back to work now so he said unless we can come in today we will have to wait until a late afternoon appointment.  They told us that they would bring us in at 12:30 today on their lunch breaks.  Since we were in Phoenix already it did not make sense to drive all the way home to turn around and drive all the way back.  We went to ikea to wander around and grab some lunch before heading to the appointment.   Dave said to me jokingly "Maybe someone would give us a ton of money or the doctor will do the second transfer pro-bono"  We both said yeah right...keep dreaming.

Before we knew it it was time to go.  We were thinking we would go, they would say sorry it didn't work, it will be $5000 + to do another frozen embryo transfer with our remaining embryos and we would say "see you in a few years after we finish paying for this one and save up enough money to do it again"  I felt so hopeless and heartbroken walking back into that doctors office.  I knew our bank account is darn near empty...why are we even bothering with the appointment?

So here is where the positive comes in.  Yesterday our pastor's wife sent me a text message saying to read Matthew 6:26.  It says " Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"  She was reminding me that God will take care of us.  I did not know how but I found out today.  When we got into the appointment the doctor was telling us how my body did exactly what it was supposed to just the embryos did not do what they were supposed to.  She said that the next step is to do a second frozen embryo transfer with our remaining 5 embryos.  I asked her how long you have to wait to try again and she said that we would start immediately.  I told her that we can't do that, we spent all of our money and she said "I want to do it for free for you".  Dave and I immediately started crying.  What doctor does that???  What a blessing.  She said that we will have to pay for the medications but everything else would be free.  The blood work, ultrasounds, the implant, all free.  So we will be starting the frozen cycle again soon.  I will go on birth control in a few days and be on it for a few weeks.  The transfer will happen either at the end of August or the beginning of September.  We will have to figure out a way to pay for the medication this time around.  We are hoping to raise the money with our Coryell's Craft Corner to be able to afford them.  I am estimating they will cost between $500 and $1000 which is a reasonable goal to try and meet.     


I am not going to lie and say that I have no reservations about trying again.  It scares me to death.  It is terrifying to think about getting bad news again and not having any more embryos left to use.  But why would we be given this gift if we weren't supposed to try again?  While I am still so completely disappointed that it didn't work and I think it will take some time for my heart to recover from this I find myself hopeful again.  Thank you all so much for all of your support and prayers through everything.  Would you like to go on another roller coaster ride with us?  I will continue the blog through the second round and hope that you will continue to follow our journey.  We could use all of the encouragement, prayers, and kind words we can get!         

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow is the big day!  The day of the blood test.  I have to go in between 8am and 10am and then they will call me with the results sometime after 1pm.  Out of all the waiting that we have had to do I have a feeling those few hours are going to be the hardest!  I am just praying for a positive result.  Dave has to return to work in the morning.  :-(  So he will not be with me for this step.  Thankfully my friend Stacy is going to spend the day with me so I won't go completely crazy.

I finished up with the antibiotic and prednisone earlier in the week but still have to take the estrace pill and progesterone injection.  The injection has been very difficult for me and is causing me a lot of back pain.  I was supposed to sing at church this morning but I was hurting so badly I could barely stand up. I don't know if it has anything to do with it but last night when Dave was giving me the injection it started bleeding about halfway through the shot.  Maybe that's why I am in so much pain today?  I also have all of these hard lumps or knots under my skin where the injections go that are so painful.  I was not expecting to be hurting this badly but it is going to be worth it in the end!!

So I will post tomorrow as soon as we know the results.  I am asking you all to pray with us for good news tomorrow!  I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FIND OUT TOMORROW IF WE WILL BE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!!!!!  Thank you for reading our blog and following our journey up to this point.  But above all thank you for all of your love, prayers, and support that you have given us.     

He speaks!

So I have yet to write a blog myself and Anne is resting after the transfer, so this is a great opportunity for my first blog post.   I want to first say thank you to all of you who have followed our story and have been so supportive.  Creating this blog has been so inspiring for us as well as some of you.  It is amazing what a little hope and support can do for people.  Now lets get to the good stuff...

Today is Friday the 13th and usually associated with bad omens and such.  I would like to challenge that idea because I know that this day will be nothing but the start of something very special for us and our family.  We got up nice and early to get to the clinic at 7:30 this morning.  The transfer happened around 9-930.  It was actually a really quick and painless process, although I was not the one in the stirrups!  Anne did so well.  As of our last post, we had 4 viable embryos, and this morning we actually had 1 in the best shape and 3 that were slowing down.  So we made the choice to implant 2 total.  Maybe the 2nd one just needs some time in the oven for a jump start, but most likely seems that we will end up with one baby with smaller odds for two and even smaller odds for three or four if they naturally split.  So it is in God's hands to provide us with what will be the best for us.  Anne was a little upset about only having one good embryo, which I understand, but even science cannot change natural selection.  A normal pregnancy has a 20% chance of happening and we ended up with 20% of our 5 embryos, which is 1. But we will have to wait and see what will happen.

Here is an ultrasound after the implantation.  There is a little white spot in the top-middle area inside the sack.  That's the babies.  Pretty cool stuff.  I was in the room with her and I got to watch the whole thing.  Again, very cool stuff.

I know Anne has been really open and honest about her thoughts and emotions through all of this.  So I figure it's my turn to give my side of this difficult journey we have been traveling through.  Having Logan was so amazing.  I look at him now and he kinda blows my mind a little.  He is a little man.  When we lost the first baby, it was really hard on Anne.  It was hard for me as well, but as a male that has no idea what it is like to have a child growing inside of me, I focused my attention on Anne.  I had to be strong for her.  I needed her to be well, not only for her but for me.  I am only as strong as the woman by my side, and she is strong, whether she knows it or admits it.  I will never really grasp what she has suffered through all of this.

The second was obviously difficult as well, but in a very different way.  Having an incompetent, arrogant doctor working with us just made it almost unbearable.  I really almost thought about physically harming this man for what he said to Anne.  For those of you who know me, that tells you how upset I was.  As Anne already posted, he first tried to send us home, and then after we refused and had the surgery, he said to her, "You know I saved your life right?"  Are you Kidding me!  Anyway, so I once again had to attempt to help Anne recover from the physical and emotional scars.

I often had a feeling of helplessness.  Anne has experienced something that I cannot truly comprehend and yet I am supposed to help her heal in some way.  She often asked me why I don't cry about it.  To be honest, I don't know how I didn't.  Maybe because I immediately went into fix-it mode and did whatever I could to help Anne get through this.  When I think back to when Logan was born, I remember it took me a while to really feel like a father and make a connection with him.  I think the bond a mother has with her child that grows inside of her is much more real and it took me time to really get that bond, if I ever really can.  So not having seen or held the lost babies didn't effect me in as intense a way that it has Anne.

So then the third loss happened.  This time we had a great experience, if thats really even possible.  The doctor was great, he listened to us, he was thoughtful, and he ultimately gave us our first bit of hope after yet another tragic loss.  The hardest thing this time was seeing Anne's face as they asked her to sign the paper that she acknowledges she will be sterile after this last surgery.  She was crushed, and so was I.  How can I fix that??  I can't...

After sometime healing we began looking into IVF and Adoption.  I was happy with either.  I know that Anne is an amazing wife, friend, person, and MOTHER.  Whether that child was my blood or not didn't matter to me, I knew that Anne would be amazing and by association I would be amazing as well.  Does that make sense?  She really makes me a better person in all aspects of my life, especially as a father.

So, here we are finishing up the IVF process and the REAL waiting begins.  We go on the 24th for the pregnancy test.  So soon yet so far!  I have to say, this process has been a little one sided for obvious reasons.  Anne has been poked, prodded, taken multiple shots and pills in a day, and all I really had to do was give 3 "samples" in a cup.  I have nothing to complain about!  And somehow in this process, with all the crap Anne is putting herself through, I have seen more joy and hope in my wife than I have in a long time.  If that doesn't tell you how amazing she (and others going through this as well) is I don't know how else to show it.

This is kinda scatter-brained but I think I said what I wanted to say.  We have met some amazing people here in AZ that have really helped and encouraged us as well as those friends and family members back east.  Thank you...

Dave

FRIDAY

We got the news that our implant will be Friday morning at 7:30am!!!!!  We also got the  news that the one embryo that we thought stopped dividing actually caught up to the other three so now we have 4 embryos!  They will still only implant 2-3 embryos but isn't that so amazing?  I am so thankful for things going the way that they have been.  I just pray that it continues to go well and we end up with a positive test.

I have to start one medicine tonight and another tomorrow.  I can't remember the names exactly but I think one is an antibiotic and the other is prednizone?  So now I will be on a thousand medications but it is ok because it is completely worth it!  In 39 hours I will have a baby inside of me.  Something I thought I would never be able to do again.   I can't even put into words how I am feeling right now.  One word I do know is that I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to be going through this when I a year ago I thought that there was no hope.  

The Big Thaw

We have had an exciting few days!  I started my classes with Arizona State University and I should be getting my degree this spring FINALLY!  We went on a mini vacation to Flagstaff and our babies were thawed out!  

We went camping in Flagstaff in a yurt.  It has a very funny name but it is just like a permanent tent.  We chose that place because there is a ban on campfires and charcoal grills and this place offered gas grills.  It was also so much less work which was nice because I was not feeling 100%.  I have been taking the progesterone injections for 4 days now and they are kicking my butt.  But we made the most of our relaxing trip and enjoyed every second of it.  We had planned on going canoeing at Mormon Lake.  I had looked up the website and they offered canoe rentals.  So we drove all the way there (almost an hour from where we were camping) and asked about canoe rentals and they said "You can rent a canoe here but you have to take it to Lake Mary".  Apparently the lake dried up 22 YEARS AGO!  Don't you think that would be an important thing to put on their canoe rental webpage?  So we did not rent a canoe but we did let Logan take a little horse ride.  

Since our activity we planned for the day did not work out so well, we decided to go to Slide Rock State Park.  It was raining off and on and was a little chilly compared to what we were used to but we went anyway.  It was really crowded and overwhelming for Logan.  At first he was so excited to be there but when it came time to get in the water and go on the slides he was not having it.  So Dave and I each went down a few times and he rode on each of our laps once before he had enough.  I think we will wait until he is a little older to try that again.  

When we got back to our campsite we had dinner, went for a short hike at sunset, and then got to come back and listen to two cowboys playing their guitar and banjo and singing around candle light for a group of people.  That was my favorite part of the trip.  

So here is the part everyone is waiting to hear...how many embryos survived the thaw.  As we were driving home today we called the office to find out.  They told us to call after 11am and we did not have service until around 11:30.  My stomach was in knots and Dave was the one calling.  They were busy and had to call us back.  I really think that this whole process has been a way of teaching me patience.  So we waited and waited and finally around 3:00 they called us back.  4 out of 5 survived the thaw, 3 were at a 4 cell stage and one stopped at the 2 cell stage.  So as of today we have 3 embryos that are doing what they are supposed to.  We also still have 5 frozen.  I am praying that the 3 continue to be strong and we can keep the other 5 frozen.  At first I was not sure how to feel that 2 of them didn't make it but I am so thankful that 3 did.  We have to call tomorrow morning after 11am again to find out if the implant will be Thursday or Friday.  If that is the case we will be at day 4 or 5 for the transfer and that is what we want!  Come on day 5!  I still can't believe that we are so close.  It doesn't feel real.  I just want to cry I am so excited/happy/nervous.  I'm sure the hormones aren't helping with that!  :-)  

Less than ONE WEEK!!!!

In less than a week I could be pregnant!!  It has been such a long road to get to this point and I am just bursting with excitement waiting these last few days.  I had two ultrasounds and blood work done this week and everything looks "beautiful, beautiful, beautiful" according to the IVF coordinator.  I finished taking the lupron yesterday and today I start the progesterone.  It is a big shot that dave has to give me in my lower back/hip area.  I will be on the estrace and progesterone until I am 12 weeks pregnant.  I had no idea why I would need to stay on it for so long so I asked on Tuesday.  She explained that the medicine is going to be supporting the pregnancy the way your ovaries normally would.  If I were to get pregnant naturally my body would be supplying all of the hormones.

On Monday they are going to thaw out 5 embryos.  I have to call Tuesday after 11am to find out how many embryos survived the thaw.  They said that if 4 survive that is excellent, if 3 survive that is good.  That will give us an indication if it will be a day 3, 4, or 5 implant.  We are hoping for a day 5 implant when the embryo becomes a blastocyst.  It will also mean that I only have to wait 10 days for the pregnancy test instead of 11 or 12.

Last night Dave and I were talking about the fact that our babies are frozen right now and they are going to be thawed.  It is so mind blowing that our babies are frozen...Think about that for a minute, how crazy is that!  It also blows my mind that depending on which ones they choose to implant will decide if it is a boy or a girl, if they will look like Logan or like us.  (Logan-pale, light hair, and blue eyes.  Us- dark hair, brown eyes, and tan).

I had a dream the other night that we had twin baby girls.  They looked just like Logan with pale skin and big blue eyes.  We took them to visit Tulsi in my dream and even though they were brand new they were crawling all over the place.

I was talking to my friend Stephani the other day.  She is a photographer and I was telling her that I want to get maternity pictures taken when it works.  She said we could start start planning and I said I wanted to wait until after we got the positive test because I didn't want to get ahead of myself.  What she said to me really changed the way I have been thinking about things.  I have been thinking positively and having faith that this will work but have always had this little nagging doubt in my mind.  She said "If you plan ahead and trust that God will provide and that he will do this then you are showing him your faith...."  I can't wait to get those pictures taken!!  :-)       

21 Days

I had an appointment this morning and all went well.  It was just blood work and an ultrasound so nothing too exciting to report.  Everything is right on track!  I start the estrogen pills tomorrow.  I'll take 1 pill a day for 2 days, 2 a day for a few days, and then 3 pills a day until after the implant.  I start the progesterone on July 7th.  I have been having a hard time with the side effects from the lupron this time around.  I am thinking the heat is making it a little harder to tolerate.  I am thankful for such a wonderful and patient husband for dealing with all of my mood swings!  Our friends and family has been so great calling and checking in on me.  I appreciate it so much.

I can't believe the the transfer is only 21 days away.  That's 3 weeks!!!  It's crazy to think that in 3 weeks I could have a life (or two) growing inside of me.  Dave and I went on a date the other week -Thanks to Stacy and Rob- and we went to target and walked around the baby section looking at the cribs and bedding and everything.  It is the first time I have been able to go in the baby section and not feel massively depressed.  We spent the day dreaming about our future and where our family will be this time next year.  It was so fun.  Then we went to dinner at Paradise Bakery which is really Panera.  We used to go on dates to Panera in Pennsylvania all of the time.  We both ordered the same food we would always get.  :-)  It was great to spend a day dreaming of the future and reminiscing about the past.

30%

We had our frozen IVF consultation today and got a lot of information.  10 of our 14 eggs were fertilized and separated into two sets of 5.  They were frozen on day 1 and all 10 were level 1 embryos which she said was really good.  They will thaw 5 of the 10 embryos and then they will watch them develop until day 5 when it becomes a blastocyst.  At that point they will implant 2-3 embryos.  That is different than the fresh cycle.  The fresh cycle they would only implant 1-2 embryos.  The chance of success is still 40% just like with the fresh cycle but our chance of having twins is now 30%.  I will be thankful with how ever many babies we have, I just was not expecting that high of a chance for twins!  So now I will be starting the lupron injections on the 14th along with the estrogen patch (I think that is starting on the 14th) and then I will start on the progesterone around July 7th.  The transfer will happen between the 11th and the 13th and then 10-12 days after I will take a pregnancy test.  If it is positive then I will go for 3 more tests a few days apart after to make sure my levels are continuing to rise.  It was a lot of information that we received today.  A little overwhelming but I am just going to take it one step at a time.

We Have A Date!

Either July 11th, 12th, or 13th is going to be the big day!  That is when the embryo implantation will happen.  I will have to go for 6 appointments between June 11th and the implantation.  I will also be put on an estrogen patch, progesterone injections, and lupron injections.  So here we go again with lots of appointments and injections.

I am feeling so many different emotions.  I am so excited to know when it is going to happen.  I am feeling so impatient about having to wait more than a month and at the same time trying so hard not to wish the time away.  I do think that this whole process is teaching me patients.  It is certainly not happening as fast as I would like but I just have to accept it.  I am TERRIFIED of it not working but trying to focus positive results.  I have so much nervous energy that it has been making it hard to sleep.  On the plus side the nervous energy is making me very productive!  I finally finished Logan's playroom mural and I have made most of a wedding dress in 3 days!

An update on the quilt sales.  One down, 77 to go.  I have faith that Coryell's Craft Corner will work and we will be able to pay off this financing before the baby comes.  I am going to look into craft shows to see if I can set up a table at them.  I'm not sure how to find them but I'm sure I will be able to find something!  Hopefully our facebook page will pick up some business too.  Thanks to everyone who has liked it and passed the word onto their friends!  We really appreciate everyone's support!    

Quilts For A Baby

Coryell's Craft Corner

To help offset the price of IVF I have decided to start selling quilts again.  My goal is to sell enough quilts to pay off the $7800 that we had to finance.  I know that is a crazy goal but if I could use my talents to start this baby's life out without having that large amount of debt hanging over us then I think I better try!  If I can sell 78 throw sized quilts at $150 a piece (shipping included) we will be able to pay the financing off in full.  I am also going to be selling baby quilts, hair bows, paintings and other crafts.

Currently I have a Philadelphia Flyers quilt ready to be shipped and will be taking orders for custom made  items.  If you are interested in ordering a quilt or another item please check out my facebook page.  If you don't want to order anything I just ask that you share my page so your friends can see it.  :-)  What a blessing it would be to be able to pay off this debt before the baby comes.  I will be uploading pictures of my previous work to facebook as well.  Thank you for everyone's support!  We appreciate it so much!  
www.facebook.com/CoryellsCraftCorner

Recovery and Random Thoughts

I thought I would give a little update.  After my egg retrieval last tuesday I had a pretty rough recovery.  My abdomen swelled up with fluid and I was in a great deal of pain for days.  I am still hurting but each day is getting better.  Now it just hurts if I over do it by being on my feet too long or if I bend over.  I know the doctor made the right decision by waiting for the transfer.  While it is hard to wait, I know it was for the best.  Now I can have time to fully recover before we start the next step of the journey.  Mid to late June isn't THAT far away, right?

I have such an amazing support system both here in Arizona and back home in Pennsylvania.  Dave took such good care of me and Logan while I was recovering.  I am so thankful to have such an amazing supportive husband.  My in-laws also helped out so much when I was stuck in bed.  My friends checked in on me to see if I needed anything.  Everyone back east has had so many encouraging words to say and sent text messages to check up on us.  I appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness more than I can say. 

This has nothing to do with IVF but I just thought I would talk about it today...I have been really getting to know some of the students at the school that I work at.  It breaks my heart to hear what they have been through by the time they are 14 years old.  Some have lost a parent or have been removed from their custody and are living in group homes.  Some of the kids are the "problem" children that are always in trouble but I have found just by letting them talk to me and listening to them that they are just screaming for someone to care about them.  I was talking to Dave the other day about how lucky we were to grow up in families filled with love and how lucky Logan is to have the same thing.  I know that one day we are going to foster children and we will get to share that love with them.  I am excited for the day that we can make a difference in a child's life that truly needs it.  I don't know when it will happen that is just part of the journey!

Egg Retrieval

I had the egg retrieval done yesterday.  It went well and they retrieved 14 eggs.  They were hoping for 8-12 so 14 is a great number!  I am pretty sore still today but it's getting a little easier to move around.  I did not realize I would be so sore after the procedure.  I am going to try and go back to work tomorrow.  Hopefully it will go smoothly and mostly pain free.

10 of the 14 eggs fertilized!  I was hoping that the implantation would be on Saturday but my estrogen levels are still too high.  We have to wait 6-8 weeks before they will do the implantation.  I am not going to lie, I am really upset about having to wait.  I feel like I have been waiting for so long.  I thought for sure I would be finishing this process on Saturday so its hard to handle having to wait another two months.    

I am trying so hard to get rid of the negative feelings of having to wait and to focus on the fact that 10 fertilized.  That is a great number.  They also are working with us on the cost so it will cost us between $1500 and $2000 instead of the $4250 that we were first told.  Waiting will also give my body a chance to recuperate before we do the implantation.   Hopefully I will be pregnant by July!

1 in 1000

Our egg retrieval is tomorrow morning at 9:30am.  I cannot believe it is here already.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I will be completely knocked out for the procedure and then on bed rest for the rest of the day.

During my appointment yesterday the IVF coordinator said that my estrogen levels are really high and it looks like we might have to freeze the embryos and wait a month or so before they do the transfer.  When we first talked with the doctor she said it was a 1 in 1000 chance of that would happening.  It looks like I might be that 1.  I am praying that the numbers come down and that we can do the transfer fresh.  I want to do whatever is safest and will give us the most chance of it working so if we have to wait we will but if we have to do the frozen cycle it will cost about $4250 extra.  That is a lot of money.  Thankfully we saved $1000 on our medications for the fresh cycle.

I'm asking for prayers tomorrow for a successful egg retrieval and that it will be complication free.   I appreciate everyone's support through this process.  It has not been an easy one and I know we aren't through it yet but I can't tell you how much everyones kind and supportive words have helped me.  Thank you!  

Monday or Tuesday!

I had an appointment yesterday and another this morning with ultrasounds and blood work at both.  I go again Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and then the egg retrieval will be either Monday or Tuesday!!!!  That is so soon!  Everything is looking really good.  The nurse practitioner said, "You are growing a good crop there.  I guess we are giving you the right fertilizer".  I laughed so hard when she said that.

The injections are not very fun and make me feel kind of crappy.  I have had a headache since Friday and my belly looks like a pin cushion.  Only a few more days of feeling like this.  Then hopefully I will only be feeling crappy because of morning sickness!  :-)

The doctor told me that I need to relax and reduce my stress.  So I am going to schedule a massage and when I get home I am going to make sure I take time to just kick my feet up and relax.  They even suggested acupuncture.  Has anyone reading this ever tried that?  What did you think about it?

On another note, Dave turned 30 yesterday and he graduates with his masters degree on Saturday.  I am so proud of him.  Sunday we will be celebrating our 6 year wedding anniversary.  May is quite the eventful month!

Honestly

I had a cyst check ultrasound today and blood work done.  I wasn't given any results but I am thinking that no news is good news.  I start two more injections tomorrow.  I have to take Follistim and Menopur.  I am really nervous about starting them.  I am mostly afraid of how they will make me feel and act.  I am worried that they will hurt or that I might have a bad reaction to them.  I am praying that I am just getting myself worked up for nothing and I will breeze through this part.  :-)

I also thought tonight would be a good time to talk about what I am really scared of.  I am so scared that it is not going to work.  That after all of this the embryo won't take or worse that it does and after a little while I have a miscarriage.  I am so terrified of that happening.  I am trying so hard to think positively but there is this little voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me that this is not guaranteed.  I am worried that if it doesn't work I will emotionally end up right back where I was last May when I lost the third pregnancy.

That being said, I will not let my fear of "what if" stop me from going through this.  As sad as I will be if it does not work, I would rather know that we tried then spend my life regretting not doing it.  I believe that this will work.  I just need to focus on the end result and not let my fears ruin anything.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  Psalm 56:3 

Here We Go!

I had an appointment today after work.  I had a cyst check ultrasound and everything looks good!  We had to bring all of our medications with us so they could go over them with us.  At the last appointment they gave me a paper with all of the tentative dates from now until the egg retrieval.  That sheet said the injections would start on April 27th.  Well, today we found out that one of the injections starts today!!!  I started on Lupron tonight and then tomorrow I have to start doing it in the morning.  Then I start two other injections on the 27th.    I was afraid that I would not be able to do the injection by myself.  Dave was on stand by to do it for me but I was able to do it.  And he took pictures while I was stabbing myself with a needle.

I was so scared about the injection.  I was pleasantly surprised that I could barely feel the needle going in.  But then when I pushed the medicine in it kind of burned.  I am not sure what the purpose of this particular medicine is but I will try to look it up.

I think it's funny that the shirt I was wearing for the start of the injection process says "It's only going to get phunner"  (Phillies merchandise always spells things with PH to be catchy.)  More appointments, more injections, but hopefully ending with a beautiful baby!

Medications and a Nice Surprise

We went to pick up all of the medications that I will begin taking on the 26th.  When I called on Wednesday to see how much it was going to cost they told us that the total was $3955.12.  We were told at the first consultation that the injections would be between $3000 and $4000 but that because of our situation that we could expect it to be closer to $3000.  Needless to say when they told us how much it was I thought I was going to fall over.  There goes the rest of our savings!!!

Well, today after work Dave and I went to this special pharmacy on the 4th floor of a medical building in Phoenix.  She pulled out the stack of prescriptions to ring up, 15 in total.  Some of them were for needles and syringes but most were for actual drugs of one kind or another.  They said that they wanted to run my insurance because some of the medications were pain killers and things so maybe it would bring the price down.  She ran the insurance and the new total was $2810.12!  We had to put out $1145.00 less then we were expecting.  I am so thankful that we were able to save that money.  It was still a very large amount of money to spend on two weeks worth of medicine but I feel so lucky that we got this financial break.  When every penny counts an extra $1145 is definitely a gift!

Testing is Finished!

I had a ton of blood work done, a fluid ultrasound that was so very painful, a mock run of the implantation, and a consultation appointment all in the past two days.  For the fluid ultrasound the doctor filled my uterus with liquid in order to make sure the inside of my uterus was healthy.  When the liquid came out I felt like I was having serious labor contractions.  But it was well worth it because it was all good news!!!  My egg count is excellent.  The doctor said that normal is 6 per ovary and I had 8 on my left and 10 on my right.  And the inside of my uterus is healthy.  Dave had his blood work and analysis done as well and all of his numbers look great too! 

I am finished with all of my testing and I will be starting the IVF cycle on April 23rd.  I can't believe this is happening so quickly.  I will be starting the injections on April 26th and then going in for ultrasounds every other day for a bit and then two days in a row before the egg retrieval.  That will happen sometime between May 8-10 depending on how my body reacts to the medication and then the eggs will be fertilized and after 5 days 1-2 embryos will be implanted.  I COULD BE PREGNANT BY MAY 15!!!!!  Or earlier depending on the medication.

I am so thankful that all of our test results have been so positive.  I just keep praying that we will be blessed with a beautiful baby to love.  I keep thinking about the first time I held Logan.  How at that moment nothing else in the world mattered.  I never knew a love like that before.  I am looking forward to having that moment again.  What an amazing gift that would be.  To be able to hold our child in my arms for the very first time and falling in love all over again.  And this time we would be able to share that joy with Logan.  I feel like I get a glimpse of that every time he holds Joey and Tulsi's baby Adeline.  I know he will be an amazing big brother! 

 

Today's Appointment and BFF's

Our appointment went really well today.  I had blood drawn that will be sent out to the lab and then had an ultrasound to see how many follicles are present.  She said the more the better and that I had a lot.  :-)  She said that I have "happy ovaries."  I was pretty excited by my happy ovaries.  That means that I won't have to have ovulation stimulation.  So the next step is for both Dave and I to go get some blood work done at the lab and then on April 9th I go for a mock run through to see exactly where they will implant the embryos.  Then on April 11th we go for a consultation with the doctor where she will go over all of the test results and where we go from there.  I started taking birth control today and I have to be on that for 3-6 weeks.  I am praying that it will be the 3 weeks but if it is for the 6 weeks that's ok too.  What ever it takes to work!

If all goes well I could be pregnant in 6 weeks.  I still can't believe that this is all starting.  I am really getting ahead of myself and thinking about names and how to paint the nursery.  I can just see our baby and imagine what it will feel like to fall in love all over again.  But one step at a time.  I need to slow down and just take it as it comes.  I am so thankful that we are being given this opportunity.

This evening was really nice too.  Dave and Logan got to have a "man's night" and went to see The Lorax.  I got to meet up with Tulsi (My best friend since I was 12) and see The Hunger Games.  It was really nice to have some time together and the boys got to spend some quality time together.  She has been  there for me through everything for the past 17 years.  They are moving to Texas at the end of the month so I am pretty bummed that she won't physically be here but i know she will always be a phone call away.  I told her to be prepared for me to call her hysterical and all cracked out on hormone injections.  For those of you that know me, you know how much of an emotional person I am.  I am worried to see how emotional I will be when I start the medication!  We should buy stock in kleenex!
 

SUNDAY!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!  Everything has lined up for us to start the IVF process on Sunday!  It was looking like we were not going to be able to start until May because of mother nature and my insurance not starting until April 1st but it all worked out exactly as it was needed for us to start now.  When you start the IVF process you have to have an ultra sound on day 2-3 of your monthly cycle.  It was supposed to be 10 days sooner but my body held out so day 3 is exactly when my insurance starts.  I am so thankful that I do not have to wait another month to start.  I only have to wait 2 days!!  I have had the biggest smile on my face all day.

Every Sunday Dave and I are involved with the worship team or occasionally the children's ministry at church.  Last Sunday the worship leader Michelle asked us if we wanted to take this Sunday off to just rest and relax.  At first we said no  but then we thought that it would be a good idea to take a weekend off.  And it is a good thing we did because our appointment is for Sunday at 10:45am.  Things seem to be lining up perfectly.  It's as if there is a plan already set in place.  ;-)

I will be having an ultrasound and blood work done at this appointment.  What for exactly, I'm not so sure so I will write an update again on Sunday when I find out.  I also have to start taking birth control on Sunday.  It is funny to think that I have to take birth control in order to get pregnant.  We are going to be learning a lot about this crazy process over the next few weeks.  Thanks for all of your good thoughts, comments, and especially prayers.  

             

Why we are doing this blog

When Dave and I finally decided to go forward with IVF we were thinking that we would not tell anyone.  We were not even going to tell our parents.  We had two reasons for that decision.  1.  If it did not work, we didn't want to have to explain it to everyone.  2.  We wanted the surprised of telling everyone if it did!  

After thinking about it though we realized that we don't need to go through this alone.  We have such a great group of family and friends that can be there for us, it is silly not to lean on them through such a stressful experience.  So once we decided to tell people we thought that we should do a blog.  That way everyone who wants to can keep up with us and the process.  It will make it a little easier to keep everyone up to date on what is happening.  We are going to be asking for help, support, and prayers through this whole thing!

Another reason why we wanted to do our blog is because fertility issues effect SO many people.  I know that I had no idea what to expect going in for the consultation for IVF.  I was so overwhelmed when we left that I cried the rest of the night.  I am still feeling very confused and overwhelmed about what is to come.  I am hoping that by sharing what we go through, maybe another person who is thinking about doing IVF will have a better understanding of it and not feel as overwhelmed as I did/am.

IVF or Adoption?

Like I said in my first post, we kept going back and forth between adoption and in vitro to expand our family.  At first we were set on IVF but then I started second guessing myself about that decision.  What if  I lost those three babies for a reason?  What if my body couldn't handle being pregnant again?  How would I handle it emotionally if I lost another child?  Am I being selfish to want to be pregnant and give birth when there are so many children in the world that needed a home.  These thoughts consumed me until I decided that adoption was the only way to go.  Shortly after starting to go to Mountain Vista we had lunch with the Pastor and his wife to talk about what we were going through.  He said to me that I just needed to pray about it and ask that if God's plans were different then mine that he change my heart so I desired what he had planned for me.  I prayed that prayer everyday.  When we started getting information on adoption I kept feeling this overwhelming pull towards in vitro.  So I started to rethink everything again and Dave and I felt that we needed to try one more time to have a child.  Right now, everything is on our side to do IVF so we are going to go for it.  We are not ruling out adoption in the future.  When I close my eyes and picture our family in 5 years I see us having our biological children and then opening our home up to fostering.  And if being a foster parent can lead to adoption then I am very excited for that to happen.

Our Story

Dave and I met in college at West Chester University.  We were both music majors and had aurals class together.  He was a percussion major and I was a voice major.  After an evening of hanging out and talking (and working on an aurals project) we both knew that we found something special.      

After that night we were inseparable.  We did everything together.  We marched in West Chester's marching band and Aftermath indoor percussion together, worked together, had classes together, and taught high school marching band and indoor percussion together.  Every spare second we had we were with each other.  We shared a passion for music that is still a big part of our relationship.   

in January of 2005, we went on vacation to Puerto Rico together where he proposed to me on the beach at sunset.  We were collecting pieces of coral when he reached down into the water and said "How did we miss this one?"  My first thought was "Oh cool!!!  He found a ring in the water!"  It took me a few seconds to realize that he was asking me to be his wife.  I did not hesitate to say yes.  Our wedding was on May 6, 2006 at Ridley Creek State Park.  It was an amazing day.  Everything was perfect.  We were surrounded by our friends, family, and great music.  What a great way to start our life together.

In April of 2007 we found out that I was pregnant.  As Dave would explain it he was sleeping when I kicked down the bedroom door screaming.  I scared him because he thought there was something wrong.  After he woke up enough to realize what was going on he was just as excited as I was.  We were so thrilled that our family was about to grow.  When we went for our first ultrasound, the doctor had estimated that we were 12 weeks along even though we thought at the most we were 7 weeks along. They told us that there was no heartbeat and our baby had stopped developing.  We were devastated.  I could not believe what was happening.  Before we left the doctors office they said that we could come back on the following Monday to have one more ultrasound just to be sure.  When we returned on Monday it was such a miracle.  They found the baby's heartbeat and said that I was just not as far along as they thought.  I remember thinking that I hoped I would never feel the pain again of loosing a child that I felt for that week-end.  On December 22nd, 2007 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who we named Logan Scott.  He was perfect in every way. 

 

We knew we wanted to have a big family so in 2009 we decided to try to have more children.  I found out that I was pregnant in October but a week later we went to the hospital because I began bleeding.  They told us I was having a miscarriage.  I had to follow up with my doctor a few days later where they discovered that I had an ectopic pregnancy.  An ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo implants in the lining of the fallopian tube.  They sent me to a specialist where they tried to avoid surgery by giving me a cancer treatment drug called methotrexate that was supposed to cause the pregnancy to dissolve.  It did not work for me and after three rounds of it I ended up in the hospital for emergency surgery because my tube burst and I was bleeding internally.  They were able to save my tube and told me that it was a fluke that it happened.  I was thankful that the doctors saved my life that night but so incredibly heartbroken to have lost this baby. 

In June of 2010 we moved our family from Pennsylvania to Arizona because Dave decided to make a career change and became a special education teacher.  On January 7, 2011 I started feeling the same pain that I had felt when my tube burst in October.  I took a pregnancy test that came up positive and knew that I needed to get to the hospital immediately.  After the on call doctor tried to send me home telling me that I can just start treating it with methotrexate after the weekend and Dave telling him that we were not leaving the hospital, he finally did surgery. After the surgery, the doctor said to me "You know I saved your life right?  You're thankful right?  I saved your life."  As we suspected, I had another ectopic pregnancy on my right side that had burst causing me to bleed internally.  The doctor removed my right tube because of the damage caused by the rupture.  If we would have gone home like the doctor told us to I would not be here today. 

On May 30, 2011 we were at a BBQ at our friends house when I started feeling that same pain that I had with the previous two ectopic pregnancies.  I could not believe that it could be happening again.  They removed the tube that it happened the two previous times, how could it be possible for it to happen a third time?  When I got home I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive.  Dave took me to the hospital where they were able to see the ectopic pregnancy on the ultrasound and the blood that was filling my abdomen.  They got me into surgery but before they did they had me sign a paper stating that I would be sterile after I came out.  It was such a crushing blow to be 28 years old and know that I would never be able to conceive a child of our own again.  For the third time in two years my life was saved but again, I lost my child.  This time I lost much more.  I lost my hope for the future of having my big family.  When I went for my 2 week follow up appointment the doctor told us about the option for in vitro fertilization (IVF).  He started to give me back a glimpse of hope.  Maybe we would be able to have our big family. 

After the third time I had a difficult time emotionally handling everything. I began going to a therapist to talk through things. Dave went with me to a few appointments and I went to a few on my own. She suggested that I do something to memorilize the three babies that I lost. I painted three pictures of Forget-Me-Not flowers to represent each baby.

It was so hard for me to allow myself to be happy because I felt like doing that was saying that I was ok with the fact that I lost these three angels.  It was so hard for me to cope with the fact that I would never get to hold them or see them grow up.  I was also having a hard time dealing with the fact that everyone around me was pregnant.  My sister, my two sister-in-laws, and my best friend were all pregnant.  I was happy for them but it was difficult for me to know that I was supposed to be going through what they were but instead I was hurting so badly inside.  I felt so broken.  I know that I didn't, but I felt like I let my husband down.  I felt like I was less of a woman because I could not provide any more children for him.  I felt like I was starting to lose my faith.  It was during this time that we started going to Mountain Vista Community Church.  The first day that we came the worship team was playing "Lord I Need You" and I wept.  I knew I could not get through this on my own.  We found a place for us at this church and a lot of loving people to help us heal.  We became active in the worship team in hopes that we could use our talents that God gave us to reach someone else who might be feeling as hopeless as I was the day that their music helped me start to heal.   

While I was giving myself time to heal both physically and emotionally, we were researching all of our options.  At first I wanted to do IVF as soon as the doctor gave me the all clear.  But then I got very scared of the chance of it not working or of losing another baby.  We started researching adoption and were decided that adoption was the route that we should take to grow our family, but something kept bringing us back to IVF.  Right now our age and fertility circumstance work in our favor to do IVF.  The older we get the chances of it working get less and less. 

We made an appointment with a fertility specialist on February 15th, 2012 for a consultation for IVF.  I could not believe the price that they told us.  It will cost us between $11,300 - $15,800 out of pocket to go through this journey.  I am getting new health insurance on April 1st that will thankfully cover another $3,500 of diagnostic testing.  We have some money saved up and will be financing the rest.  That brings us to where we are today.  We plan to begin the process of growing our family in April. 

We have not told Logan about this.  He is only four years old and I don't want to get his hopes up but he keeps telling me out of nowhere that he wants a baby sister or brother.  Right before our consultation we were driving to the grocery store and he said to me "My baby sister is coming soon."  I asked him how he knew that and he said "I know it in my heart".  Maybe he is right.